Search me, O God

Ever ask yourself questions that you can't answer? or if you can answer them you feel like maybe you aren't being quite honest with your self?? here are some of the things that I have questioned myself about in the last 12 mo.
Is it Normal to look back at your life before kids and realize that you were a totally different person back then?? It didn't happen all at once or I would have noticed sooner I am sure, I don't miss that person. But do I miss some of the things I used to find so enjoyable? Is it because I have less time for other intrests now, or is it because I no longer have an intrest in those things?
But I guess the biggest question of all is: Is it healthy for Motherhood to be my biggest interest? is it healthy to feel like that is my biggest passion right now? Is it healthy for my children? Is really from God or is it my own selfish need to feel successful at something? Is it my passion right now because My children are young and I have controle over them.
In the past when ever I have tried something else, Tutoring, babysitting, selling books, it never worked out. I always got to the point where it was plain to see that the people I loved most were not getting the best of me. Was this Gods way of gently reminding me that I need to put my family first?
Am I questioning if this is the norm only because in the secular society family isn't a priority anymore? Is Gods will for my life to dedicate my life to the serving and happiness of others? Or is there a part that tells me that I need to have intrest of my own? that I need to do something that makes me happy... Which is kinda funny because as I stop and think about what makes me happy I realize that I am happiest when I am serving my family and when they are happy. :)

So I guess the conclusion for this session of questions is keep on doing what I have been doing while asking the Lord to search my heart and cleanse my from all sin and selfishness, To show me te areas of my life that are not serving him 100%

Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: Psalms 139:23

I want to trust in you Lord

I am back! and yes we all survived our first week of school! Did I ever doubt that we would?
No, I always knew we would survive because my hope and trust is in our wonderful saviour, Jesus Christ.
Was it tough? yes it was much tougher than I thought it would be.. I thought the first day would be the hardest, but Monday was by far the easiest day, because everyone was excited and happy. It was by thursday and Friday when Kristina and Staci were tired and their eyes were not quite as sparkly anymore, It was when school work turned out to be a bit more of a challenge than Kristina had anticipated.. It was when there were frustrations on the playground among peers... it was Then that I wanted to shed tears and hold them close saying "it's ok, You don't have to go back, you can stay here with me where no one can hurt you." But I didn't say that for a couple of reasons.
1. I was sure they would say "but we WANT to go back"
2. I knew that somewhere in life they are going to have to learn these lessons anyway,
So I prayed desperately for the right words to help them along the little rocky road that God was leading them down. They didn't shed a tear all week about school! what a blessing! Each morning my prayer was "God don't let them wake up and Say 'I don't want to go'. because i didn't know if I would've had the courage to make them go. the worst morning of all for me was on Wednesday when Mitchell saw them in their uniforms and said "NO Staci! NO school!" I felt exactly the same way!!
The house was so quiet all week that I couldn't stand being in it, especially when Mitchell was napping! I never knew my refridgerater was so noisy or stopped and started so often!! I can't remember that last time I was even concsious that the fridge has a noise! There were no bikes and toys to put away from the garage door before I went away. The American girl dolls sat neglected at their table having tea for hours on end!! These are a few of the things that made the tears flow for me this week..

So the silver lining??? I think it must be healthy to cry alot, I feel so tender to everyone and especially to the Holy Spirit.. I have had time EVERYDAY for devotions and prayer.. not just a few minutes here and there but over an hour each day! My time with the girls is super special to me! I remember to tell them how much I love and appreciate them everyday! because By 5:00 I am still not tired of being with them! The Lord has been so FAithful and Blessed me with so much I am eternally thankful for his saving grace, for his mercy on a poor soul that takes soo long to trust and obey. I am thankful that his children that he has entrusted to me have sweet and loving natures and a heart for God! I am SO THANKFUL for the teachers at the Academy, they never raise an eyebrow when I arrive 30 min before dissmisal . or when I bring the girls their lunch and stay for recess!

So am I excited for Monday morn. Yes I am excited to see what the Lord has in store for me this week and also the loving little lessons he has for my daughters this week.. Will it be easier than Last week? I don't know but:
I want to trust in you Lord, with all my heart and lean not on my own understanding, In all my ways i will acknowledge you, And you will make my paths straight. Prov.3: 5-6

A Brand New Adventure

In 2 days my family start a whole new way of life. "Am I happy? am I excited?" These are the questions people are asking me. How do I answer them? I don't know.. Let me tell you the story and maybe by the end I will know how to answer them..
Ever since my Oldest Daughter Kristina was about 2 years old i knew that I would home school her.. Sent her to school for a whole day away from her mommy when she is only 5 years old??? NEVER! I was a teacher before I became mommy, of course i knew everything that I needed to know to teach her at home! So when she was 4 and her sister was 3 I started tutoring a little boy from the community. He came to my home 3 days a week and we worked on his phonics.. well wouldn't you know it by the time Christmas rolled around both Kristina and Staci were reading! @ 3 & 4 years old!! Now I was really convinced that i was meant to be a homeschool mom!! LOL So I started going to support groups and learning all i could about educating my girls at home. Yes I started grinding my own wheat and baking my own bread too. :)

I LOVED HOMESCHOOLING!
I loved everything about it, especially all the books and reading we did! I Loved Getting to spend everyday ALLDAy with my Girls! I loved that we could wake up and all snuggle in my bed until we decided to get up and eat some whole wheat toast with some raw peanut butter and organic honey for breakfast! :) I oved that we could skip all our books and make a whole school day out of watching a butterfly emerge from it's cacoon!

Well All of that was before My husband or Igot saved.. :)
When we got saved and God directed us to worship at the Gospel Lighthouse Church and I knew they had their own privat Christian School, I made a bargain with God: Ok I will worship at the church of your choice (part of this is a story for another day :) ) BUT DO NOT ASK Me TO SEND MY GIRLS TO THEIR SCHOOL! Well as far as i knew God was ok with it because he didn't ask us to send the girls to Lighthouse Academy.. Don't get me wrong i had NOTHING against the students or the teachers there, in my opinion they were absolutely wonderful! But Homeschooling was the life for me, I was convinced of it!
Well 2 years later, (during which time Mitchell joined our family) All was well and we were happily homeschooling Kristina was in 2nd grade and Staci was in Kindergarten and Mitchell was the entertainment for our dining room table classroom.
When out of the blue God asked me to give my children to him and obey him in all things, especially when it came to my 3 children!
This is how it happened: at a Sunday night church service led by our youth pastor Zach Fox. he was talking about things that get between us and our Saviour, How important it is to have God search our hearts and remove those things that are not his will for our lives. I started feeling the Lord work in my heart, making it soft and receptive but i had no idea what it was that he would point out! at alter call my husband and i both went to the alter and the instant my knees hit the floor I heard this voice from heaven saying " I WANT YOU TO GIVE UP HOMESCHOOLING AND SENT KRISTINA AND STACI TI LIGHTHOUSE ACADEMY." I was speechless, I started sobbing, I knew in my heart that the only way I would have peace would be by obeying so my response was " ok Lord I will do it but i have no idea how i am going to give it up with out your help."

I sobbed for 3 days straight, I fely like someone had die, my husband was supporting God and encouraging me but i felt like God was asking the impossible of me! On the evening of the third day when I was sobbing in the shower asking God why? why me? I was happy, I was successful at homeschooling! when i heard the tiniest whisper through all my sobbing "if I didn't love you, If you didn't belong to me, I wouldn't be asking it of you!
Of course I started with fresh sobs but this time it was different, I did belong to my savior, he was not punishing me but refining me, and He loved my children even more than I did so he would surely make the very best choices for their lives! from that day forward I felt alot better about it and learned alot about praising my saviour even whem my heart was breaking..
I often had only God to really share my feelings with as all my homeschool friends were thinking I was 'backsliding' or giving up. (or so I told myself)
My friends at church, well they all Love the Academy and couldn't understand why someone wouldn't wat to sent their kids there. My husband saw it as 'black and white" God has asked it, We obey!
But through out the whole summer God has given me little Victories, most of them happened when I was praising through my tears.

The school shopping is all done. Yes we had a BLAST! the Uniforms are hanging in the dressing room. the backpacks are stuffed and ready. and the girls are counting the hours until the first day.. No they don't have to tell me I know very well the # of hours . from this moment it is 58 hours!! they practiced getting up when their alarm went off all week! they talk about it continuously! THEY ARE READY!

Am I ready? Is any mom ever ready to sent her baby to school or in my case 2 babies? Will I cry?

So what do I answer when people ask me if I am excited for my daughters to start school?: Yes I am excited for them, the excitment in their eyes is catching. No I am not worried about them! they will excel! So yes, yes I am excited for them!
But me?? I still have mountains to climb, Sunday night we are invited to dinner at a friends house.. and yes everyone that is there homeschools their children, They will all be talking about what things they are studying this term and the new books by all our favorite publishers... And me?? we will be leaving early to get the girls to bed in time so that they can get up and be bright for their first day of school on Monday morning. Have I shared my story with anyof my homeschool friends? no I haven't, they haven't ever asked me why the girls are going to school this fall.

So yes, I am happy and at peace because I am obeying my Lord and Saviour who gave his very life to set my free from sin.
I will post pics of their firat day and keep you updated on my progress of learning to let go when it comes to my most prized gifts of the Lord, MY 3 precious children. Kristina 8yrs. , Staci 6yrs. And Mitchell 20 mo.